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Fighting To Be Thin

♈ 14 ♈ 162 cm SW: 54kg CW: 52.7kg GW1: 50kg GW2: 47kg UGW: 40kg ♥ - Need To Be Skinny -

366 Days.

This year I have spend the days we have had so far liking you. I will continue to like you for all the 366 days this year. 

I have difficulty in communicating my feelings towards people.
I am also the kind of person that doesn’t ever want help. “I can do it myself.” Says me. Probably the line I say the most.

I am afraid on the inside. The reason why I don’t reveal my name or what I look like on here is due to the fact that I’m not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or have the best clothes. Also I am afraid that people from my school will find out about me. That is one of my greatest fears.

I have spent the last 14 years, 2 months, and 17 days of my life not believing in myself. I don’t want help from others but I can’t do things. 

I guess it may seem like I am a complete and utter confusing mess, but this is just how its always been. 

Honestly I don’t know what to do with myself.

It may seem like I am feeling sorry for myself here but nothing in my personal life ever goes right for me. My parents split up, I don’t have many friends, I’m a fucking fat ass, and the guy I like doesn’t like me back.

Who decides who is going to be popular and rich and beautiful and nice? They obviously didn’t hit me with their magical stick hard enough.  

The Guy I Like.

So there’s this guy I like. And he said he liked me. I told him recently I didn’t like him anymore, in hopes that I would actually convince myself in the process that I didn’t like him. Unfortunately I still do. He doesn’t say anything about it, and it’s really bugging me. He hangs around other girls a lot although he’s really nice and I don’t think he’s the playboy kind. 

So many problems, not enough solutions. 

I’ve been … away.

Sorry I haven’t been on for a few days. I’ve been so busy with school and stuff. I’m not feeling as bad today. We had a special thing at school where they hand out awards to the people best in a subject. I got 2 awards! Best in English and best in Photography. 

Putting that aside, my family had pizza last night that I had to eat. They wouldn’t let me bring it up to my room or anything. It was incredibly gross. 

I want to fast but there isn’t a way for me to do it without everyone finding out. My mum will sit with me until I finish my food. Oh gosh, what to do, what to do.  

Swim Class.

Just standing there in your swimsuit for the entire universe to see you in all your fat glory, is enough to make me want to run home and cry. Plus all you’re friends are skinny bitches and you feel like the fat elephant among them all.