Fighting To Be Thin

366 Days.

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 09:23:26 -0400

This year I have spend the days we have had so far liking you. I will continue to like you for all the 366 days this year.

I have difficulty in communicating my feelings towards people.
I am also the kind of person that doesn’t ever want help. “I can do it myself.” Says me. Probably the line I say the most.

I am afraid on the inside. The reason why I don’t reveal my name or what I look like on here is due to the fact that I’m not pretty enough, or skinny enough, or have the best clothes. Also I am afraid that people from my school will find out about me. That is one of my greatest fears.

I have spent the last 14 years, 2 months, and 17 days of my life not believing in myself. I don’t want help from others but I can’t do things.

I guess it may seem like I am a complete and utter confusing mess, but this is just how its always been.

Honestly I don’t know what to do with myself.

It may seem like I am feeling sorry for myself here but nothing in my personal life ever goes right for me. My parents split up, I don’t have many friends, I’m a fucking fat ass, and the guy I like doesn’t like me back.

Who decides who is going to be popular and rich and beautiful and nice? They obviously didn’t hit me with their magical stick hard enough.

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Fri, 03 Aug 2012 09:14:33 -0400

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Fri, 03 Aug 2012 09:14:29 -0400

The Guy I Like.

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 04:26:17 -0400

So there’s this guy I like. And he said he liked me. I told him recently I didn’t like him anymore, in hopes that I would actually convince myself in the process that I didn’t like him. Unfortunately I still do. He doesn’t say anything about it, and it’s really bugging me. He hangs around other girls a lot although he’s really nice and I don’t think he’s the playboy kind.

So many problems, not enough solutions.

I've been . . . away.

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 04:22:50 -0400

Sorry I haven’t been on for a few days. I’ve been so busy with school and stuff. I’m not feeling as bad today. We had a special thing at school where they hand out awards to the people best in a subject. I got 2 awards! Best in English and best in Photography.

Putting that aside, my family had pizza last night that I had to eat. They wouldn’t let me bring it up to my room or anything. It was incredibly gross.

I want to fast but there isn’t a way for me to do it without everyone finding out. My mum will sit with me until I finish my food. Oh gosh, what to do, what to do.

Swim Class.

Mon, 30 Jul 2012 08:46:55 -0400

Just standing there in your swimsuit for the entire universe to see you in all your fat glory, is enough to make me want to run home and cry. Plus all you’re friends are skinny bitches and you feel like the fat elephant among them all.

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Mon, 30 Jul 2012 08:44:19 -0400

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Mon, 30 Jul 2012 08:42:18 -0400

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Mon, 30 Jul 2012 08:40:46 -0400

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Mon, 30 Jul 2012 08:39:02 -0400

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Mon, 30 Jul 2012 08:38:53 -0400

Why I Love School.

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 08:54:09 -0400

Weekends are living hell for me. I have to eat and I get questioned when I don’t.

School is my getaway.
I love learning. I can listen to teachers all day. Then at morning tea and lunch I can not eat without being questioned.

I can disappear from the world and hide in a music practice room. I can stay there and play music to my heart’s content. Until the bell rings.

My school uniform covers my ugly, fat body.

It is my getaway. My hope.

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Sun, 29 Jul 2012 05:03:46 -0400

Ew ew ew.

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 23:54:00 -0400

I can’t. My mum made me eat. I have to eat. No. Is she trying to make me fat? I hate food, it’s disgusting. Urgh. I hate this.

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Sat, 28 Jul 2012 22:27:15 -0400

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Sat, 28 Jul 2012 22:27:09 -0400

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Sat, 28 Jul 2012 22:26:48 -0400

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Sat, 28 Jul 2012 22:21:35 -0400

Sunday.

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 21:49:00 -0400

So this morning I woke up and weighed myself; 52.7kg. I’m not too happy with that because I’ve like been that weight for a week. Urgh. Today I can skip breakfast & lunch (or just have a small lunch) because it’s a weekend but tomorrow I have to eat breakfast which sucks. Today I’m going to be very busy finishing assignments and filming projects and all that so hopefully I will ‘forget’ to eat.

Problems And Possibilities.

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 10:29:00 -0400

I have stopped eating at school. My mum makes me eat breakfast before I leave but I skip morning tea and lunch. Then I lie and tell my mum I’ve had a huge lunch and only want something small for dinner. My mum keeps on making me eat and I really want to go on a fast but it practically impossible.

Good news today,
I only ate one actual meal and it was a small bowl of noodles in clear soup. About 200 or so calories. I did binge and have some cheesy popcorn and cookies. I need to control myself better. I will do a major workout session tomorrow and hopefully that will be burnt off.

Anyway, I guess this is the start and I will keep you updated.